This is a very real desire we all feel to pay back the people that hurt us (aka revenge, retaliation). From small things to larger things, whenever someone does something to hurt us its personal. It’s easy to give other people the right advice and say don’t respond or don’t act out, but is it really so easy to not pay back evil with evil?
After returning to the Lord, I realized that I had a moderate case of road rage. All rightfully provoked of course (maybe), but it really served no good. If I was cutoff and I honked, the other driver had no way of apologizing and the act of honking just made me angrier. I also realized that in that same angry state my own driving abilities actually suffered making me another bad driver on the road. When we become very angry whether justified or unjustified we can actually become very dangerous with our words or actions (or if while driving, with our cars).
Continuing with the driving scenarios, there is one I have imagined happening if I continued to drive feeling very angry. I imagine that if someone very nearly hit me by cutting into my lane and I became so upset I cut someone else off and caused an accident who would the police office arriving to the scene fault for the accident? Me! Rightfully so! And what could I say in my defense? “Well officer you should have seen the guy that cut me off! He’s the one who started all this?”
But why doesn’t that argument work? Well, all the actions we take are our own. As individuals we are responsible for what we do. We can’t control how we are treated, but we do have control over how we respond as difficult as that may seem at times. We fully own what we do. We can’t blame others for what we do no matter how much pain and damage they cause us. We can’t hold onto anger and we can’t act on it either.
This is a very important topic for any Christian because we have emotions just like our heavenly Father does and being angry, wanting justice, is not a wrong thing to feel. It’s the right thing to feel, but it’s where these feelings can lead us (James 1:20). We can make wrong choices.
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord. Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:17-21 NLT
We are called to love our enemies and actually bless the people that hurt us. God gives gifts to the righteous and unrighteous (Matthew 5:44-45). We are to do good things for people who don’t deserve it, and specifically to those who have actually hurt us. Kind of makes your blood boil, right? But doesn’t it sound familiar. Did God give us something we do not deserve?
To dive further, this means actually being kind to people who have been everything but kind to us. It means helping the people who have never lifted a finger to help us. It means speaking gently to someone who speaks rudely to us. It means seeing that boss who you hate on the side of the road with a flat tire and not grinning at their dismay, but you being the one to get our of your car to help them. It means doing really hard things because what is our gut response? “Well if they don’t care about me I don’t care about them.” Seems fair, but then aren’t we behaving like the person that hurt us? In responding to rude people with the same rude response are we not then rude as well? When we repay evil with evil we become that same evildoer. We become the very thing we hate! We perpetuate the very sin committed against us, and so where does it end?
Why does God ask us to be kind? Not because the other party deserves our kindness, but because of God’s character. God made a way for sinners to be saved, for the murder not to die, for the debtor not to pay up, for the thief not to live destitute. How outrageous! As Christians we do not pay what we rightfully owe! We were created as God’s children to be good and holy like him but we aren’t; we sin and so our sin is personal against our Father God. God’s son who he sent, who did nothing wrong, who hurt no one, paid off everything we owe. Jesus died in our place. He paid for our own evil sins as if he had done them himself (Isaiah 53:12; 1 Peter 2:24). We don’t pay back evil for evil because of grace. We have received grace.
So paying back evil with kind mercy is not an easy feat for any human heart, but it is at the core of our Heavenly Father’s heart. How beautiful is he? We sin against him and he is the one who advocates for our mercy through Jesus! God is not passive or dismissive about our sins. It’s because of Jesus’ sacrifice they are paid. The cost of our sin was not overlooked, but brought to the light and paid for by Christ. God has a great love for us, humanity. He is merciful indeed to those who put their trust in Jesus. In the midst of our shortcomings God has compassion on us. All these things he does for us and so as his children he is teaching us to live in the same way.
One thing I have learned in my own painful interactions with people is that many times people lash out of a greater hurt they have of their own. A person who grew up in a very toxic unloving home may not be the kindest coworker to work with. They will likely treat others poorly, but perhaps they were never loved in the home they grew up in. Often times if we bother to look we can see how anger and evil actions have deep roots that span generations. How often is one person’s anger actually caused by someone wronging them and so on and so forth. Anger and pain is contagious if we do not address it in our own lives.
I once had a very very angry man yell at me in a Chick-fil-a drive-through line of all places. His loud outburst was totally out of nowhere and did not match the situation at hand. I was upset, but I thought to myself that this man was clearly upset before he even pulled into this drive-though and his anger wasn’t really meant for me but for someone or something else. Pure speculation, but perhaps he just came from work and had just been laid off after 30 years working there and I was the next poor soul who upset him about something very simple. He wanted me to pull up until I was right on the next person’s bumper so he could leave since he got his food first. I guess I didn’t pull up quick enough for him so he had some choice words to say as he pulled up next to me. I cried in my car. I’m not ashamed. I cried and worked to let it go as I went home. Unshed tears lead to a bitter, hard heart.
I gave no retort to this man. I did not respond with more evil nor took it out on someone else later. I chose compassion and let his harsh words go and it was not easy. This is something small and I can think of worse ways I have been treated and situations where I did retaliate with my own evil. Everyone wants to retaliate and give it right back and it’s even expected, but only a few respond by “doing good” (Romans 12:21). Paul even expresses his point in this way of doing good, that we actually conquer evil. It’s true. The infectious characteristic of evil then stops when it reaches us. Other people’s sin hurts us and we suffer the damage and take the blow. With God’s help we can learn to respond with mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and even kindness.
For I desire mercy and not sacrifice, And the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6 NKJV
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice. Luke 23:34 NLT
So true! Thank you!