3 Things I am Learning From My Panic Attacks

I have had two panic attacks so far and several similar episodes. The first one I had occurred at such a random time that at first, I thought there was something very wrong with my health. After seeing a couple doctors it was clear that my health wasn’t to blame. All my blood work came back saying I was perfectly fine. So what was wrong with me?

It was when I had my second panic attack that I realized what was really going on. It was triggered by a close call I experienced while driving. I was on a small side road when a car just pulled directly out in front of me and stopped at the last second in the middle of the road as I swerved hard to the left to miss them. My heart was racing so fast. My car had to have been within inches of theirs.

I continued on my way to Target and tried to take some deep breathes. But when I got there and parked my car, I felt nothing but this deep sense of dread come over me. I felt this strange fear about getting out of my car. I also forgot what it was I meant to shop for and just could not get out of my car. I soon turned my car back on and left to head back home. Once home I had this awful feeling of panic even though I knew I was safe. I began having trouble thinking straight and decided to just lay on my couch hoping it would get better. It didn’t.

I realized I had to call off from work at this point. For some reason I couldn’t quite put my thoughts together. It was very strange. I started to panic as the night went on and things did not improve. I put on a movie in hopes of distracting myself. It seemed to help a little. What I know now is it was not my physical health that was the problem it was the state of my mental health. My mind had reached its limit. The stress I was under had been building up and the near car crash had put me over the edge.

These are the 3 things I am continuing to learn more about and grow in as I address my mental health:

1. The Pressure of Perfection Is Destructive

I live under a lot of self-induced pressure because I have deep rooted issues with perfectionism. Perfection is a very high standard and I beat myself up when I can’t perform to perfection. It’s good to have high standards, but putting the heavy weight of perfection on a person just crushes them. God doesn’t do that to us. He loves us where we are at with all our mistakes and ongoing problems. In the midst of our broken mess God asks us to trust him and walk with Him through it.

With perfectionism I also have trouble accepting that learning is a process. It’s a journey to get from point A to point B. I am learning how to accept myself for where I am at now and have the hope that as I continue to walk forward, despite my downfalls and mistakes, I can learn and grow. No matter what my track record is God invites me to the table to eat with him every day. Not because I have done everything right, but because he loves me, without condition.

2. Compassion Works Wonders

Because I don’t particularly like myself, having compassion on myself is very very difficult. It’s easier for me to have compassion on others than it is for the one I see in the mirror. Self-compassion means that I don’t beat myself up for every mistake. It means I actually make room for myself and I give myself the space I need to work and to learn and to just try even if I fail. I can look back to the worst times in my life where I was failing to do what was right in almost every area of my life and I see how God had compassion on me even then. Even while I was lost he was asking me to come back home. When we were lost Jesus died for us (Romans 5:8).

3. This Human Body Needs Rest

That panic attack triggered by that near miss with another car also showed me that these panic attacks were not my fault. There are stressors in my life I can and can’t control. There was just too much stress building up at that time and I was not addressing it. I humbly realized that my physical body can only handle so much. Panic attacks were moments my body was saying things are not okay right now. Their occurrence means I need rest.

Resting for me means listening to soft piano music in the car when I drive. It means taking my time to complete tasks instead of constantly rushing and rushing through my entire day. It means trying a Stuffing-Biscuit recipe and not yelling at myself when they come out burnt on the outside and undercooked inside. I can truly laugh about that now.

These three things have really begun to help heal my heart. I’m learning to leave the striving for perfection behind to embrace the security of God’s love for me right now because I know I can’t ever earn it or pay him back. He has compassion on me and loves me. I can always rest in the Lord and his love for me because he is always there for me.